Archive

Tag Archives: time



Life, the universe and then? 
Sometimes you can guide your life in such a way to make you believe that you have control and other times life simply asserts its dominance over you and gives you a bloody good kicking. I think I’ve had a charmed life, certainly over the past 10 years or so. I’ve been very fortunate that it’s morphed into something I consider very happy but it wasn’t always like that.

Finding happiness? One of the big pieces in the happiness puzzle was running, but unlike others who may have been Olympically or middle-age inspired, I came to running because I was going through the darkest period of my life. 

I’ve said before that I started running in late 2011 but that’s not strictly true – I’ve always run.

At school I ran the 100m, 200m and 400m, I was a decent cross-country runner and I enjoyed it much more than football, cricket or rugby. I was then an intermittent/lazy runner until around 2003 when I took a 3 month stay in sunny Scarborough because I needed to recover from what was effectively breaking down.

I suppose the truth of the matter is that I really arrived at a life filled with running because of this serious lapse in my mental health. I’d been in a relationship with a woman that had turned sour a year earlier and despite an a acrimonious break-up when she came calling, with serious issues of her own, I stupidly returned to try and help her.

This act of affection broke me into a million pieces, the problem I had was that I wasn’t qualified to help with her problems and she dragged me down beyond the point of being able to see clearly enough to prevent myself from drowning. I’m sure I’m not alone in such situations but at the time I felt at my lowest ebb and unable to see anything ahead of me – it felt a lot like I imagine the end of a wasted life would feel.

Though I don’t have a definitive recollection of everything that happened I do recall considering ending my own life, although I had framed it in thoughts such as, ‘what would happen if I wasn’t here?’ ‘Who would care?’ and ‘could a train ever not kill a human being in a direct hit situation?’

However, in reality, suicide wasn’t really on the cards as an option but it lurked as a concept. 

Thankfully I didn’t do that and I made a desperate decision that plays a huge role in influencing my life to this day…

I’d called my uncle.

He and his family lived in North Yorkshire and they kindly offered a place to stay and support. Little did I know his help would manifest itself best in reviving my love of running.

My uncle in his younger days had been a decent runner but as age, life and pies get to you then you let yourself go a bit and he had. It seemed we both benefitted from the fresh Scarborough coast line as we ran daily. The hilly roads and hillier cliff trails of North Yorkshire providing ample respite from my own stupidity. I even saw Jimmy Saville running up and down my hill a few times in the days when he was still ‘Saint Jim’.

My uncle was (and assume is) a pragmatic man and his approach of seaside air combined with exercise might seem a bit Victorian but actually I hadn’t gone so far down the rabbit hole that I couldn’t be reached and his solution was the right remedy for me.

We didn’t really talk in any detail about what went on, (stereotypically) men don’t, northern men don’t and we didn’t – other than a brief chat on a late night stroll up the hill to his home. I think this left us both a little uncomfortable and neither of us ever really returned to the topic other than in one heated argument (the point at which I knew I was recovering and knew it was time to leave).

But with limited exchanges over my mental wellness I felt the need to balance the support provided by my uncle and his wife by adding in talking therapy as a way of exploring what had brought me to my knees. Unfortunately I found a therapist determined to focus on my parents as the root of the issues I had rather than the slightly more obvious ex-girlfriend fucking around in my head. Thankfully I found the therapist and I got on very well and the conversations quite stimulating which in turn opened up my own ability for assessment with a renewed clarity.

In the weeks that followed I was able to reconnect with myself and through my newly acquired active lifestyle I began to feel physically and mentally stronger.

I started to set out some basic life rules* that (mostly) to this day I live by, but at the heart of that was a promise to myself that I would be active – this would form the cornerstone of ‘me’. I also came to understand that my life rules must be fluid and flexible because it was my own dogma that had made me fragile and vulnerable. However, in my dealings with the ex-girlfriend I had compromised myself and no amount of flexibility should allow that to happen again. 

And so armed with words to live by I did just that and the past 15 years have been (mostly) the best of my life. And in all that time only once have I had a scare that it might all come tumbling down and that was last year during my very public retirement from running.

The Risk of Return? With the GingaNinja disagreeing about how much running I do I found myself in something of a quandary. After many successful years of both good mental health and running I found myself in a position where I was being asked to curtail some of my active exploits.

The danger of this was an immediate downward spiral back towards being less mentally happy which would ultimately (I believe) have endangered my relationship.

I tried to explain this without the context of my experiences in the early 2000s and feel that withholding this information made the problem worse than it needed to be. Thankfully a solution was achieved where I neither compromised the security of my health or my relationship. No easy feat but it was the right outcome.

Times and people change. In the years since I first encountered a mental health problem I’ve become a very different person, so much so that my near 40 year old self would barely recognise the younger me. And even though I’m still a reasonably anxious person it now fails to overwhelm me, I’ve come to the conclusion that, ‘everything will just keep happening so I’ll just get on with my bit’ and this is just fine, but it felt like it was a very long road to get to this stage.

Concluding. I never thought I was a candidate to struggle with mental health and I never believed it would take nearly 15 years for me to talk about it in a public way but perhaps I simply no longer care what anyone else thinks. Maybe it’s that I’ve seen lots of blogs and forums on the topic and feel that my experience may be of use to someone or maybe I just like talking about myself.

However, having discussed other peoples challenges and resolutions in search of greater understanding I’ve come to realise that no two issues or answers are the same. I’m a big advocate for an adventurous, running lifestyle to give yourself breathing space and time to think but I am very aware this isn’t for everyone and need only look to my ex-girlfriend who helped bring my own problems to the fore. Running was not the solution for her but it was for me.

What I would urge anyone who finds themselves in a difficult position, anxious, depressed, sad or some other form of mental illness is to seek support (support information from Mind, click here). There are options and most of all there are ways to navigate around or away from difficultied but your journey will be as unique as you are and recovery takes effort and nothing in life is guaranteed.

But ultimately stay happy and as Bill and Ted said, ‘Be excellent to each other’.

While you’re here below are a few facts from mentalhealth.org.uk 

  • It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past week experienced a common mental health problem.
  • In 2014, 19.7% of people in the UK aged 16 and over showed symptoms of anxiety or depression – a 1.5% increase from 2013. This percentage was higher among females (22.5%) than males (16.8%).
  • Mental health problems are one of the main causes of the overall disease burden worldwide
  • Mental health and behavioural problems (e.g. depression, anxiety and drug use) are reported to be the primary drivers of disability worldwide, causing over 40 million years of disability in 20 to 29-year-olds.
  • Depression is the predominant mental health problem worldwide, followed by anxiety, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

And these numbers from Mind make sad reading (the full survey and information can be read here);

  • Generalised anxiety disorder 5.9 in 100 people
  • Depression 3.3 in 100 people
  • Phobias 2.4 in 100 people
  • OCD 1.3 in 100 people
  • Panic disorder 0.6 in 100 people
  • Post traumatic stress disorder 4.4 in 100 people
  • Mixed anxiety and depression 7.8 in 100 people

*For those interested and still reading I earlier mentioned the ‘Life Rules’ I established nearly 15 years ago. Having found the original list I wrote I have down exactly as was in my sketchbook. It was a good list then and it’s a good list now.

  • Be curious
  • Keep moving
  • Look up
  • Question
  • Listen
  • Fight
  • Never compromise yourself
  • Work hard, earn everything
  • Stand up for your beliefs
  • Learn from mistakes
  • Give people what they need not what they want
  • Have faith in people
  • Live the life fantastic

Let me start off by explaining that the fear of FAT is not some sort of joke, the fear of FAT is my fear that there are certain factors in life that might overtake running. Family, Age and Time are the three things that send a bit of a chill down my spine and already I can hear the counter arguments that family make you richer in terms of heritage, immortality, etc and with age comes wisdom and that we must simply make time for the things we want to achieve. I believe all the counter arguments to the things I fear, however, fear of these things I have.

At 36 I’ve just acquired my second puppy and it’s exhausting – my family has grown by one (I already have one big puppy) and in the near future I am aware that my partner and her already stated ‘ticking biological clock’ are likely to want to start a family with a slightly less canine tint and more of a baby tint. This is fine in the grand scheme of things but the question it raises as a runner is how will this affect me? I’m already witnessing lots of tweets talking about the lack of training because of no babysitter or no energy or… well the reasons are many and varied. My ultra running often means I’m away from the house for relatively long periods of time when I run, it’s not like taking a half hour jog around the block or the 20 minutes I need to whip around the Parkrun course. A child might take away from the running and my key dreams of running the UTMB, UTMF and MdS (maybe WS100). Don’t get me wrong, extending my family is a lovely idea and I’m keen to do it but those centurion belt buckles are important to me and if I don’t start earning them now then being a good ultra runner might just pass me by – all of which leads me seamlessly into my second fear …

Age.

36 I’m fully aware is not old but I’m a few months from 37, I try to look after myself but I’m older, weight doesn’t shift as quickly, I spend more time stretching and keeping myself on the road as I do spend time on the road. On a bad week when knee, back, ankle and hip pain is bad I can be found languishing in a pit of my own making from years of overtraining and not looking after myself. If I could go back and tell the young UltraBoy what a difference looking after himself might make to his chances of running longevity then I would take that opportunity in a heartbeat. I’d tell him that running will become the thing that means the most to him and that actually ally that other crap, or life as some people call it, will carry on regardless of whether he runs. However, age has also given me appreciation for what I do have, it does make me grateful for the ability I have and it makes me savour it. I was at the Folkestone Coastal 10k a last year and there was a man running his final competitive race, he was 80 years old – I want to still be doing that, the only difference is that I don’t want to walk it, I would want to run it. So I guess I’m mindful of age because time can pass us by and I’m doubly conscious that my ability to even contemplate 100 mile ultra marathons is not infinite.

And so to time … ‘Time is a predator that stalks us all captain’ Star Trek Generations.

I’ve been working exceptionally long hours the last 6 months or so (well the last 15 years actually), coupled with the strain of being in a job I don’t like, the hours of this job killed my training and my attempt to complete the TG100 – I went into that ultra more exhausted than I have been in a very long time. I’m sat on a train this morning exhausted and as writing this I’m thinking that my hour long journey to London Bridge would be better used by getting some sleep. The arrival of a new puppy is adding an interesting dynamic with some through the night howling and all in all I wonder how I’ve fitted running into my daily routine. We all have our crosses to bear, I am fully aware of this but I’m keen to understand how the hell people manage to fit in running for ultra training. I already get up just after 5am, I never get home much before 8pm – I do tend to RunCommute where possible, I often need to start work again soon after arriving home and rarely get to bed before midnight or 1am and tend to be a crappy sleeper anyway. I have the upmost respect for the people who run before work, I see them tweeting and think ‘wow’ and the RunCommuters who push out 10 miles before most normal people are awake. RUNchers, mothers, fathers, Parkrunners, racers, jobbers, walkers, running clubbers you guys amaze me.

Solutions?
Ah, you didn’t think I’d write all this negative stuff and not have some solutions did you? Hmmm

1. New job, closer to home
This means that I’d have more time for a family, see more of the family I have, perhaps even have time to join a running club. My current daily commuting time (without running) is over 4hrs, often closer to 5hrs and those 5hrs could be better used.

2. Less hours
Over the summer I was working every possible second, laptops on the train, emails as I walked, at one point I didn’t sleep at all for 5 days in order that work was completed on time and to the correct standard.

3. Less rigid training
Go with the flow, find the time around things, look for opportunities and don’t let opportunity wait to find me

4. Eat better
Slow down the signs of ageing with an improved diet

5. Listen to advice
My partner, my physio, my body, etc. I can be stubborn and a bit of a fuckwit by listening to the advice of the people who care, or who know I might well benefit from some excellent pearls of wisdom.

6. Don’t give up
Nothing is impossible and everything can be reached by finding small compromises, especially for a fun runner like me. By remembering I do this because I love it I can break the shackles of my slightly creaky and worn body, I can find the time and I can have a family who appreciate me.

7. CaniX and a baby buggy with bloody big wheels
Take the family with you.

So there we go, I might fear FAT but FAT can be faced and with a reasonably sensible plan the future doesn’t have to mean the end of my running career just as it’s about to get into full swing.

It’s that time again when runners the world over start looking back at their achievements in the last year, but I’m saving that for a blog post when I feel the need to improve my mood. I’m looking forward to 2014, it’s targets and what I can do to make them happen.

2014 is going to be a slightly different year to the last two, I’ve spent the last couple forcing my body over the line in as many races as was humanly possible – this has turned out to be about 50 races in one form or another (three ultra and four marathon distances included in the last year). However, 2014 has to be more refined as I discovered that during the last 12 months I’ve been suffering from a succession of injuries and this is as much to do with not enough training as it is to do with racing too much. Therefore, 2014 is to be the year of the ultra, Country to Capital will kick things off, followed by the St. Peter’s Way, then kicking on to the SDW50, staying with Centurion for the NDW100 and then with a bit of luck and a fair wind I’ll be adding in the UTMB inspired CCC at the end of August (surely much to the annoyance of my body after the efforts of the NDW100 three weeks earlier) and I will hopefully finish the year with the Saltmarsh 75 (the only nonUTMB qualifier) and back to centurion for the W100.

This is a good number of ultras and with consistent training and good form I’m hoping to qualify UTMB 2015 after my failure this year. The changes that might well be adopted to this list are that the CCC might be replaced by the Ring of Fire which would act as my first multi day event and I might not get a place in the CCC. And should I not get in to the W100 then I would consider the Saintelyon Ultra which looks amazing, though depending on when W100 runs I might go for both and risk my body a bit.

So my targets currently stand at the following

Complete a minimum of five ultra marathons
Qualify for the UTMB 2015
Improve training regime
Consider once again joining a running club
Bring my 5km time back under 20 minutes
One cycling event (at least)
One outdoor swimming event (at least)

On paper it all looks surprisingly easy but after just three ultras this year I am acutely aware of how much of a burden this is and with my body still not quite right (back and hips continuing to trouble me) it will be an even bigger challenge. What has dawned on me is the value of looking after my body and for the first time ever I’ve started doing Pilates and stretching regularly, rather than when I’m forced into it by my other half. I’m still not doing the eating clean thing though, I just can’t bear to eat vegetables, it just gives me the shivers and despite knowing that there are so many benefits to eating clean my mouth and mind just won’t let me do it – not even for a place in the UTMB.

Well that’s my list started, what about yours? Have you started to map out new targets for the next 12 months and what will keep you on the road? Happy running kids.

Adventures With My Shoes

Random write-ups of races and adventures

Trot Thoughts

What to do if you see a naked man, and other mildly helpful tips for runners.

Ultra trails

Ultra marathon runner turned blogger

Pyllon - ultra runner

Seeking asylum in the hills & transcendence on the trails

Empty

Empty

The Runtron Diaries

Running. Cake. Random.

Gabrielle Outdoors

Journeys of a varying kind

highlandrunnerblog.wordpress.com/

An introduction to ultra running

Running on Full

Random thoughts, used to be about running

Re-Activate

Rule 11: When the job's done, walk away

Bearded bimbler

A runner, a hiker and a bearded man

Inadvertent Mooning

Observations from the Grumpy side of UltraRunning

The Unprofessional Ultra Runner

My attempt to crack some serious challenges in an unserious manner

LifeAthlon

“Life Is An Endurance Event”

rara's rules for living

Swim, bike, run, fun!

An academic in (running) tights

Blogs on education and running: My two passions

"Keep Running Mummy!"

Motherhood, marathons and more

Val's running blog

The trials and tribulations of a Jolly Jogger

be back in a bit, have biscuits ready

I like running, and feel the need to write about it