Toes: looks at us

UltraBoy: I can’t, you disgust me

Toes: we do so much for you

UB: but you also ruin my life

Toes: how can you say that? We drag you round races, help you stand, wiggle provocatively in the direction of good looking ladies and even curl up when you’re feeling sick

UB: All true but it’s the other things like…

Toes: like what???

UB: well I was just going to say…

Toes: oh the blisters?

UB: well for a start

Toes: your fault, inadequate preparation

UB: yes but second biggest toe grew too long which is why it rubs, some responsibility must be yours for that? A failure to stop growing is…

Toes: you’re now blaming me for growing in proportion?

UB: well…

Toes: no, no – let’s explore this

UB: I’m just saying your disgusting
Toes: so what you’re saying is that your inadequate foot preparation, your toe waxing, your near constant toenail biting, wearing inappropriate footwear and your over running are in some way my responsibility? The fact your toes bleed each night is something you think is a problem with me and not you and that you have bits of skin so hard that you have to dig them out of my like some cack handed surgeon? You UltraBoy are unreal! Long before you became a long distance runner you had the worlds worst toes – running just gives you an excuse to blame me!

UB: but…

Toes: don’t interrupt, your toes are in full rant mode – which is spectacular because we have no mouth through which we can speak but still we demand a bit more respect, perhaps even a visit to the doctor so that those ingrowing toenails can be removed, so that all that epic hard skin can be treated and so that when you look at me, when you gaze down at your two little buddies found constantly at the bottom of your legs you think, ‘they aren’t bad’.

My toes had a point but I’m a childish and vengeful and so sat in my bathroom I yanked at my big toe and pulled out the enormous heap of dead skin and nail that had been digging deep into my toe for the last three months – blood spurting across the floor I raised the sharp, tough mess of skin and nail aloft and cried a bit.

I need to go to a doctor and insist that all my nails are removed as I think this may solve a lot of my toe running problems – but it might leave them unprotected. If anyone has managed to reach the end of this blog post then I’d be keen to hear from runners who have elected to have their toenails removed on a permanent basis and about their post removal running experiences. My toes are furious I’m contemplating this but I believe it’s in their best interests.

Finally below is the sharpness that’s been digging into the side of my big toe for three months. This is fair warning – dead skin alert!!! Dead nail alert!!!!

Doesn’t look like much does it? Let me guarantee it has hurt like a bugger every time I’ve run. My toes should be glad I pulled it out!